1- Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
2- Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
3- A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
4- Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.
5- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I had to take his bike away.
6- What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
7- Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"
8- "Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
9 -Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
10- Sleep with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.
11- “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” “Oh is she an alcoholic?” “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
12- Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
13 -I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
14- I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
15- Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
16- A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!” Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“
17- Doctor: “Do you do sports?” Patient: “Does sex count?” Doctor: “Yes.” Patient: “Then no.”
18- Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser… What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
19- In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. - One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” - The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.” Funny Jokes To Share
20- Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
21 - “You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”
22- A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
23- Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
24- Police: “Open the door!” - Man: “I don’t want any balls!” - Police: “What? We don’t have any balls!” - Man: “I know.”
25- In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang, please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
26- Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?” Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”
27- Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
28- Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. - Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
29- Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.
30- I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.
32- I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
33- A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
34- A police officer stops a car. Officer: “Your driver’s license please.” Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.” Officer: “At home?” Driver: “No, to do it.”
Funny Jokes And Sayings
35- Why is women’s soccer so rare? - It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
36- I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately, I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.
37- So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
38- “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!” Funny Jokes
39- I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because of yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
40- Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space? To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!" "What is the problem?" "Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"
41- A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
42- What goes up and down but never moves? The stairs!
43- Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer." Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."
44- A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
45- The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
46 - Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?" - "I don't know." - "Why do dogs bark?" - "I don't know." - "Why is the earth round?" - "I don't know." - "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" - "No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
Funny Jokes And Riddles
47- Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
48- They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
49- Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?
50- I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently, it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.